Anonymous question:
"I had my first baby six months ago, and I still have zero desire for sex. I love my husband, and I miss feeling close to him, but every time he initiates, I feel exhausted, touched out, and honestly, just not into it. I thought by now things would go back to normal, but I’m worried that I’ll never want sex again. Why do I feel this way, and how can I fix it?"
First of all, if this is you—deep breath. Nothing is wrong with you.
The way you’re feeling right now? It’s not just normal —it’s expected. And that’s because your body has been through a massive transformation. Physically, hormonally, mentally—you’ve essentially been reborn alongside your baby. And guess what? Newborn moms aren't exactly nature’s recipe for red-hot desire.
The Biology of Low Desire Post-Baby Let’s start with what’s actually happening in your body:
Hormones Take a Dive During pregnancy, estrogen and progesterone soar to help grow the baby, develop milk-producing ducts and prepare hips and birth canal for delivery. Post-birth? They crash dramatically when the placenta is removed to allow milk production to start. This can lead to low libido, vaginal dryness, and mood swings—not exactly aphrodisiac material. Prolactin, the hormone that supports breastfeeding, also suppresses estrogen and testosterone, which means that while you’re producing milk, your body isn’t prioritizing sex. Evolutionarily, that makes sense, because you’re focused on keeping your baby healthy, not making another one.
Cortisol vs. Oxytocin High stress (hello, sleep deprivation, constant feeding, and never-ending diaper changes) increases cortisol, the stress hormone. The problem? Cortisol kills desire. Oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” is in full force, but mostly between you and your baby. This can lead to feeling “touched out,” meaning the idea of more physical contact (even from your partner) can feel overstimulating rather than exciting.
Birth Method & Recovery Matter Your birth method and experience impacts how ready you are to be intimate again with your husband. Generally speaking, spontaneous vaginal birth tends to recover more quickly than assisted vaginal birth, vaginal birth with episiotomy and caesarean. Your pelvic floor may feel weak or tight, sex might be painful, and fear of discomfort can block arousal. If you had a physically or emotionally traumatic experience, that will delay how safe, comfortable and ready you feel. Now, this doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a lifetime of lackluster desire. But it does mean we need to reframe the way we think about postpartum intimacy.
What If Desire Doesn’t Just ‘Come Back’? A lot of people assume that one day, they’ll just “feel” desire again. That eventually, they’ll wake up and want sex the way they did pre-baby. But desire after birth—especially for new moms—rarely works that way.
Instead, we have to create the conditions for desire to return . That means:
1. Talking About It (Before Resentment Builds) Your partner might not fully understand what’s going on with your body, and if you don’t talk about it, that’s where misunderstandings begin. You can share this response with him, and share where you’re at:
“I want to feel close to you, and I miss that part of us. Right now, my body is recovering and I need time to learn how to navigate this new dynamic, but I want to figure this out together.”
This shifts the conversation from “I don’t want sex” to “I want to reconnect with you, but let’s find a way that works for both of us.”
2. Supporting Your Body’s Recovery If penetration is uncomfortable, painful, or just unappealing, there are solutions:
Vaginal estrogen and/or transdermal testosterone can help replenish what’s lost postpartum (talk to your doctor about this).Lubricants & moisturizers can make sex more comfortable. Water-based lube is great. Vaginal moisturizers (like Revaree) can also help.Pelvic floor therapy can be a game-changer if you’re experiencing pain or tightness.
3. Finding Pleasure That Feels Good Right Now Instead of trying to “force” old desires, explore what feels good in this new phase of life:
Start with non-sexual touch : back rubs, cuddling, skin-to-skin time without expectation. Take warm baths to reset your nervous system and feel more connected to your body. Self-pleasure to rebuild your connection to sensation without pressure to have partnered sex, doing this for you to relax and reconnect with your sexual self.
Big Picture: You’re Still You It’s easy to feel like your entire identity has shifted to mom mode —like sex belongs to the before times. But intimacy can be reimagined. It doesn’t have to look like it did pre-baby, and that’s okay.
Sex isn’t just about penetration—it’s about connection, pleasure, and feeling desired. And that can start with small moments of closeness that make you feel supported . Like my friend just told me, The hottest thing my husband did this week was offer a foot massage while I breastfed. Talk about a turn on!
If you take nothing else from this, remember:
You are not broken. Your body is still healing. Desire is rebuildable. And when you’re ready, sex can be something you enjoy—not just something to check off a list.
