Anonymous question:
"In college, my now husband and I (female) had a great sex life. Ever since COVID (and right before getting married and masters degree), I'm lucky if we have sex once a month. I'm constantly rejected because either he is sick/has a migraine or has a different excuse. He keeps telling me he will work on it, but nothing has changed in 5 years. There are even days that pass without us touching—not even a kiss! At this point any intimacy feels awkward, forced, and rushed. I don't know how to fix this..."
When your partner stops reaching for you—no kisses, no caresses, no sex—it starts to feel like something’s gone missing from your life. Not just physically, but emotionally. Like a part of your relationship has quietly slipped through the cracks, and no one’s talking about it.
The truth is, we’re wired to crave more than just sex—we crave closeness. Studies show that affectionate touch, like hugging and kissing, is deeply tied to our sense of emotional safety.
One 2020 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships even found that couples who engage in daily affectionate touch report higher relationship quality and lower stress levels.
So when that everyday intimacy disappears? It doesn’t just feel lonely—it feels destabilizing.
Let’s rewind for a second.
You mentioned the change started around COVID, right before getting married and finishing grad school. That’s a cocktail of massive life transitions—pandemic-induced anxiety, relationship milestones, academic pressure.
Sometimes we think our desire dies slowly, but in reality, these kinds of stacked stressors can cause a rapid shift in how we show up in our relationships. Especially if unaddressed.
But here’s what stands out most: five years . Five years of feeling unwanted. Of being told “I’ll work on it” with no action. Of affection disappearing from daily life. That's not just a dry spell. That’s a pattern.
So what’s really going on?
1. This could be more than a libido issue. When a partner consistently avoids intimacy—sexual or otherwise—it often points to something deeper than just low desire. It might be unspoken resentment, undiagnosed depression, chronic pain, identity struggles, or fear of vulnerability. None of that excuses his avoidance, but it does suggest this isn’t a simple "not in the mood" situation.
It’s also possible he’s become emotionally avoidant. That means when intimacy feels like pressure or expectation, he pulls away—emotionally and physically. Not because he doesn’t care, but because he’s overwhelmed by the demand of closeness. And unfortunately, the more you reach out, the more he retreats, creating a painful cycle of rejection.
2. His promises may be comforting him more than they comfort you. Saying “I’ll work on it” without action can give someone the illusion of effort without the discomfort of change. If you’ve heard this line for five years with no shift, it’s time to stop taking it at face value. Not out of anger—but clarity.
You deserve more than lip service. You deserve follow-through, and the lack thereof is a form of relationship betrayal.
3. You're stuck in a 'desire discrepancy'—and it needs attention. Desire discrepancy (when one partner wants sex significantly more than the other) is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. To be clear, it’s normal for two people to crave sex differently and in different frequencies.
But when the gap is this wide and left unresolved, it becomes a breeding ground for resentment, shame, and insecurity. You start questioning your worth. They feel pressure and guilt. And intimacy becomes a battleground instead of a playground.
So let’s talk about where to go from here.
What You Can Do
1. Address the awkwardness directly—without blame. Awkward, forced, rushed sex isn't the real issue—it’s a symptom. The deeper issue is the lack of emotional safety and mutual investment in intimacy. Try something like:
“I know life has been a lot these past few years, and I’ve felt us drifting in ways I didn’t expect. I want us to feel close again—not just physically, but emotionally too. Would you be open to exploring what that could look like together?”
Frame it as a team issue, not a personal failing.
2. Name your non-negotiables. If no intimacy—not even a kiss—is becoming the norm, it’s okay to say: “This doesn’t work for me.” That’s not an ultimatum. That’s truth. Emotional neglect is just as painful as conflict. Don’t downplay your needs for the sake of temporary harmony. Long-term disconnection is not a sustainable foundation for marriage.
3. Get support—even if he won’t. If he’s not ready to seek help, you still can. Working with a therapist or intimacy coach can help you process your grief, clarify your boundaries, and rebuild your confidence.
Sometimes, when one partner starts doing the work, the other sees what’s possible—and follows. But even if not, you deserve tools and validation now.
4. Decide what future you’re willing to co-create. This part is hard. If your partner won’t engage in the process of healing your sexual connection, you may have to ask yourself: what version of this relationship am I willing to accept long-term?
Again, this isn't about threatening separation. It’s about truth-telling . About seeing clearly what’s been happening, what’s changed, and what hasn’t—and ask yourself: is the woman you’ve become still willing to quiet her own needs to keep the peace—or is she ready for something more honest and nourishing?
If you’re ready for support as you navigate what comes next—whether that’s rebuilding connection or reclaiming your own desire—I offer 1:1 coaching for women, and couples, just like you. You don’t have to carry this alone.
Book your free call here .
With you,
