Why Women Have a Hard Time Initiating Sex

A common complaint I hear from men in straight relationships is that they almost always (if not always) initiate sex. They miss feeling desired when their partner initiates. 

Women, on the other hand, have shared that they do want to initiate, but there are other factors at play that hold them back. 

This pattern can be attributed to various social, cultural, and biological factors. Understanding these reasons can help couples bridge the gap and experience a more balanced and fulfilling sexual dynamic. 

Today, I’ll be sharing why women might struggle to initiate intimacy and provide practical tips to help overcome these challenges.

Conditioned to Be Desired

From a young age, women are socially conditioned to be desired, not to desire. This teaches women to wait to be pursued, making them believe that initiating intimacy might appear too forward, vulgar or even desperate – no matter how long you’ve been with your partner.

As a result, women may suppress their desires to avoid being judged, which can lead to frustration and a lack of sexual fulfillment.

Understanding Differences in Sexual Desire: Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

Another factor contributing to the imbalance in initiating sex is how men and women experience desire differently. 

According to the Kinsey Institute, about 75% of men report experiencing spontaneous sexual desire, whereas only about 15% of women do. Spontaneous desire is exactly what it means: you tend to get in the mood right away, on the whim of something you think, see, hear or touch. It’s also the kind of desire society has wrongly portrayed as the right way to get turned on.

Yet most women experience responsive desire. Research by Dr. Rosemary Basson highlights that many women’s sexual desires are often linked to a sense of intimacy and connection with their partner. 

With responsive desire, it generally requires more time to get in the mood. Naturally, those with spontaneous desire tend to initiate more often.

Tips to Overcome These Challenges and Start Initiating More Often

1. Recognize and Challenge Social Conditioning

The first step in overcoming the reluctance to initiate intimacy is to recognize and challenge the social conditioning that discourages women from being sexually assertive. Understanding that these beliefs are outdated and limiting can help women feel more empowered to take the lead in their sexual relationships. 

2. Communicate Openly with Your Partner

It’s clinically proven that couples who talk about sex experience more desire, arousal, orgasms, erectile function and less pain during sex. I repeat this often because it’s a helpful reminder!

Start seeing your partner as an ally, and share how you genuinely feel about initiating sex in your relationship. What holds you back? Why? What would you like to change? 

A supportive partner can help create a safe and encouraging environment where you feel comfortable expressing your desires.

3. Build Emotional and Physical Connection

Foreplay begins with the last time you had sex ends. I love this phrase because it reminds you that how you treat each other on a daily basis sets the tone for when, and how hot, the next time you have sex will be.

For women with responsive desire, building an emotional and physical connection is key to getting in the mood. Spend quality time with your partner, engage in meaningful conversations, and show affection through non-sexual touch. 

These actions can help create a foundation of intimacy that makes initiating sex feel more natural and comfortable.

4. Set the Scene for Intimacy

Creating an inviting and romantic atmosphere is proven to enhance sexual desire. Dim the lights, play soft music, and use scented candles to set the mood.

5. Take Small Steps

If initiating sex feels daunting, start with small gestures. You can previously agree on them with your partner so they know you’re trying to initiate. It can be how you rub your body against theirs, hold their hands, light a candle or even hang a scarf on the bedroom door. 

Everyone’s comfort levels are different – find what works for you. Taking small steps can help build confidence and make initiating sex feel less intimidating.

6. Reframe Negative Thoughts

Challenge and reframe negative thoughts that might arise when you consider initiating sex. Remind yourself that expressing your desires is healthy and normal, and that your partner appreciates your initiative. Focus on the positive aspects of taking the lead, such as increased intimacy and connection with your partner.

7. Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself as you navigate this new territory. New behaviors take time to become a part of your life, and things can feel awkward in the beginning. Remember, the goal is to enhance your sexual relationship and personal satisfaction, not to achieve perfection.

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By challenging outdated beliefs, communicating openly with your partner, and taking practical steps to build connection and confidence, women can overcome these challenges and create a more balanced and fulfilling sexual dynamic. 

Initiating intimacy is not about being vulgar or desperate; it's about expressing love, desire, and connection in a healthy and empowering way. 

If you find yourself struggling with desire or have responsive and context-sensitive desire, you can learn how to manage it better in our The Art of Sexual Desire course. 

This 90-minute online course provides practical techniques to help reignite desire and enjoy sex more. Discover more about The Art of Sexual Desire course here.

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