My wife and I are in our late 40s, and she has hit menopause. I have always had more desire than her, but now with menopause, the frequency of our intimate life is slowing down, although we use toys, lubes and we are able to talk and discuss it.
She is taking hormone therapy, and it helps us a lot, but not so much with the intimacy. My wife says I should go elsewhere to have my needs fulfilled, but I am not sure I can differ between sex with another partner and my love for my wife. What would you recommend?
Menopause is a time of self-rediscovery for women. The life changes that come with it impact how we feel about ourselves, our bodies, our relationships and our sexuality.
“A revolution happens in the minds of many women at this stage. They recognize that all the rules they’ve been following about who they’re “supposed” to be as a sexual person, how their sexual relationship is “supposed” to work, those rules just don’t apply to them.
And they begin exploring their authentic sexual selves and getting to know their partners’ authentic sexual selves, and collaborating to create contexts that make it easy for their brains to experience pleasure,” writes sex researcher Dr. Emily Nagoski.
Of course, there is an adjustment period where women experience higher levels of discomfort, making it naturally harder for them to connect with their erotic selves.
Hormonal treatment (if the woman is eligible) can be transformative in helping her feel like herself again.
Willingness to Engage Studies actually show that sexual satisfaction increases with age.
In a study with an older demographic, more than 50% of sexually active women over the age of 80 report being sexually satisfied almost always.
And only 3% of those women said they experience desire always or almost always. Meaning that most of those sexually satisfied women have cast aside the “desire imperative” and instead employed a willingness to engage approach.
If you’re unfamiliar with willingness to engage, it’s when you engage in a sensual activity (not necessarily including the genitals) to see where it takes you. It may lead to arousal, and then sex, or it may not. What matters is that there isn’t pressure to have sex, but rather you see it as an opportunity to explore what feels pleasurable.
It’s an important exercise when sexual desire may be harder to come by, and it’s in the Reignite Desire Masterclass .
Another thing to consider is that as life circumstances change, so does what works sexually for you individually and as a couple. This ranges from what kind of seduction either of you enjoy, to how sex is initiated and what you do during sex.
That’s why we have a series of exercises that uncover this and are meant to be revisited time and time again in our Reignite Desire Masterclass .
As for your wife’s permission to get your needs met outside of the house – was it genuine? Did it come from a place of confidence and trust, or guilt and shame? This needs to be very clear before you discuss any next steps.
What to Consider, When Considering Non-Monogamy Let’s assume for a moment that your wife meant what she said and non-monogamy is on the table.
Strong communication and agreements are imperative if you want to navigate this successfully.
And a lot of it you will learn by doing, including if you can differentiate between sex with another partner and the love you have for your wife.
That’s why I highly recommend working with a therapist or coach who specializes in non-monogamy.
In one of my classes with psychotherapist Rachel Wright (who specializes in non-monogamy, by the way), she shared that people who are stepping into this realm should contemplate on their relationship vision:
If you were to close your eyes and wave a magic wand, what would your non-monogamous romantic/sex life look like? What would your perfect relationships look like? Your ideal scenario?
How does your vision overlap and differ from your wife’s?
Here are a few additional questions to consider that can help shape the agreements consented upon by you and your wife:
What does commitment mean towards each other and to the people you will sexually and/or romantically become involved with? If your wife wants to explore non-monogamy, are you ready for that as well and how will you manage your feelings around it? What is a deal breaker? Who can you have sex with and who is off limits? How will you meet them? Can you sleep out of the house? How often will you check in with each other? Which safer sex practices are non-negotiables? Are there specific sexual acts that are off limits? Will you share any details or is there a don’t ask, don’t tell policy? How will you manage financial spending? How often will you check in with each other? How will you plan for your outside encounters and how will you manage any spontaneity that may arise?
Remember that as much as you try to control things, opening up a relationship will always come with its challenges (just as keeping it closed does too).
What matters most is that you keep a strong line of communication open to maintain trust, respect and security.
